This is an actual dollar I just gave my son, Lincoln, for completing a scavenger hunt.  As he was playing with it, I noticed that grimey-ass stain under the green numbers.  Rich people say they wipe their ass with cash, and I always thought that was just some kind of derogatory hyperbolic smite to us normals who only have small bills, but I think there’s actual truth in it.  Then I remembered how many studies prove that cash money is effin’ nasty.  80% of cash dollar bills have traces of COCAINE and FECES!  Here’s some drugs and poop, son.  Good work on that scavenger hunt.  I went down the stupid worm hole in my reminder googling.  Other things regularly found on cash dollar bills:  the microorganisms that cause staph infections and acne, vaginal bacteria (oh, yes, a lady’s wallet), and the flu virus.  The only solace I can take is that when some rich guy wipes his ass with a dollar, his anus might get pimples and the flu.  Luckily for me, I’ve chosen a profession where I don’t get much money, and therefore, never have a lot of cash.  I will now just give my son my nearly maxed out credit cards as scavenger hunt rewards.

If you read this, tweet me:  @willpfaffy – tell me you have a dollar for my butt.  Do it.  This is an experiment.

PRODUCER WILL