Man, I love this toxic garbage.  Seriously, I know it can be bad for you in the quantities in which I consume it, but I think I’m being held together both physically and emotionally by this aspartame rocket fuel at this point.  Here’s how bad it is:  I saw an icy Diet Coke advertised on a Dairy Queen drive-thru menu recently, and I almost didn’t get ice cream and just a Diet Coke.  I just washed my ice cream down with a Diet Coke.  Do you have a drink like that?  Like coffee, maybe?  Something that is objectively gross, but you’ve grown to defend it and need it with every fiber of your being?  Oh yes, you know what I’m talking about.  That’s all.  Now send me free Diet Coke.

PRODUCER WILL